Arthur Meiselman

Where Cats Have Lease

Scene4 Magazine — inSight - perspectives on arts and media www.scene4.com
writings: tales

August 2013

A Brief History of Cats - Part 1

This is the source for a new film scheduled to begin shooting in 2014 in Vietnam (where they truly eat cats with relish).

Feline Domesticus (or Felidae Domesticus), the so-called domestic Cat is not domesticated at all, nor did it evolve from another species other than itself.

Like its larger relatives, the Cat is a relentless predator, merciless, unforgiving, an unpredictable wild creature, and it purrs.

As a pure carnivore, the Cat yearns for warm, still alive meat of animals, insects, poets and modern dancers.

The Cat hates litter boxes, uses them to con its provider, prefers shoes and pillows.

The Cat does not enjoy sex. It fakes orgasms.

The Cat does not get high on catnip. Like sex, it fakes it.

Cats like dogs, especially smelly, furry, little dogs.

Cats believe that dogs and humans are part of the same species.

Cats do not die. They just fade away and reappear as other cats.

Cats did not evolve on this planet. They drifted here from another planet, far, far away.

A Brief History of Cats - Part 2.

In ancient Egypt, Cats were revered as gods. They liked that.

Ancient Egyptian Cats became tall and thin with nearly vertical eyes. Like the Pharoahs they were so incestuous they devolved until there was only one breeding pair left.

The remaining two Egyptian Cats escaped to Paris where they were last seen on a label of My Sin perfume.

Siamese Cats were not from Siam. They originated with the Native American Cherokees and were brought to Siam as amulets.

Babe Ruth is the one who brought them to Siam.

Persian Cats are not from Persia. They're from Waco, Texas.

There are no feral Cats. There are only feral people who think that Cats are like them.

Cats love music. They don't like rock&roll or country western music. They hate rap.

Cats speak in tongues. They meow in Québécois French.

Cats do not purr because they are happy. They are never happy. They purr to ward off insomnia.

Cats can fly but only when they are not being watched.

Cats can become invisible. When a Cat blinks its eyes, it disappears. When a Cat blinks its eyes rapidly like the wings of a Hummingbird, it remains invisible for at least two hours.

Cats are never sad.

[This is an ongoing history project sponsored by the Felines Forever Foundation. You can contribute your facts, opinions, fears and misinformation by posting your comment below. All contributions are subject to editorial oversight and become the exclusive property of FFF. Please do not send us photos, fur, stuffed animals or your pets.]

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Arthur Meiselman is a playwright, writer and the Editor of Scene4. He also directs the Talos Ensemble and produces for Aemagefilms. For more of his commentary and articles, check the Archives.
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©2013 Arthur Meiselman
©2013 Publication Scene4 Magazine


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August 2013

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